Yeah, Yeah, I Know

I know already that you don't talk about work on this thing. Not in specifics at any rate.

This has been a most stressful week. (For those of you that know what I do, you can figure out why.) To add to the stress level, I got a talking to by my boss and by her boss. There are some things that I need to change and some things that they both liked. I was also treated to a "ride with" with my boss. (Fuck Me silly in a birdbath!) I didn't need more scrutiny during this week.

Also, adding to the hectic pace, I had to build equipment in one account today. Took me almost six hours to complete, with the account bosses riding my ass the whole time. Tomorrow, I am slated for another build, albeit an addition to a previous one. So, that shouldn't take too much time. I would just as soon not have any this week, than to build another one. But, such is life in this line of business.


In other news, my leg is finally feeling better. Although, I still have that damn itch that has pushed me over the edge (in this trying week) and caused me to lash out at a few family members and friends. How does one go about scratching an itch that comes from under your skin? One day, I will have to post that scar, so that you can see what I am talking about.

January was a month of big highs and deep lows for me. Not quite the ideal month, but I am still in one piece. And that is a positive, no matter what.

Dead Issue

For those of you that know me, you know that I am willing and eager to talk about almost any issue. There are exceptions, of course.

However, when there is something that I do not want to talk about, I will tell you straight up, "I don't want to talk about it." Why do some people feel that it is their right to dig into that no, so that they know?

I do not handle these situations all that well. In fact, I get fairly pissy about it. When I say that the issue is dead, that does not mean that I will resurrect it just because you try to guilt trip me.

Let the dead stay dead.

Pain Is Relative

I don't know when it started. Maybe it was a slow process, or maybe it happened overnight. But at some point, in my life, I ceased to know physical pain in the sense that I had once known it to be. I do know where it started, that being in my left arm. Gradually, though, the malady has spread throughout all four limbs and in some cases, through parts of my torso as well. For the most part, I can "feel" what I think of as pain, but in discussions with various doctors, it is not pain as others experience it.

Also, for a long time, all I could feel was temperatures. I couldn't tell is something was soft or rough, unless I could see it. I didn't know if someone touched my arms unless there was a temperature difference. Pressure and pain were simply non-existent.

To understand this, I will give you a few examples. Two are from injuries while snowboarding. The first happened in early college. I fell (as snowboarders do) and caught myself with my left arm. I got up and boarded the rest of the way down the hill. I felt a slight twinge in my arm, but nothing too serious. At the end of the day, I went to pick up the board to get ready to go home. Upon picking up the board with the left hand, I got a stabbing pain. I reported to the med center, only to find that I had broken the lower arm just above the wrist. Ok, not a great example.

After college, I stared working out in my best friend's dojo. Learning the art and perfecting techniques. However, it was realized early on by my sensei that I could not work out with the other students. The reason? When put into a submission hold, I could not "feel" the associated pain. Work out partners had to effectively go beyond my physical limitations in order to make me submit. (Which was very rare). I ended up being partnered with the sensei, through most lessons. So that I would not get hurt by students, that applied too much force.

The last example happened on my twenty-eighth birthday. While doing some snowboard racing, I fell on my left hip. The board got stuck in a rut and headed right, while I twisted and fell to the left. Effectively, the quad and hamstring muscles pulled my femur apart in two places. However, I didn't know that I was hurt. That is, until I tried to stand and couldn't put weight on my left leg. I was immediately taken to the clinic and awaited transport to the nearest hospital. All the while, I kept telling the doctors that I was fine and it was just a sprain. (I hadn't seen any x-rays). There is a whole lot more to this, but I won't bore you with the details.

I bring all of this history up, in part, because I have been having some pain in my leg all day. The actual spot of the break is really sore. I have also been having an itching sensation under the scar where the bolts were once located. I am of the belief that this is a "phantom" pain. There is nothing physically wrong, just the mind playing games by saying that there is. The itching, however, is driving me bananas.

I Got Nothing

I Got Nothing

This is a post about absolutely nothing. I have got nothing going on.
*Cleaned house today. Oh, joy!
*This is the last weekend of Duck Season. I couldn't get out to shoot this weekend.
*I have another headache, but it hasn't developed into a migraine.
*Still looking into Serius satellite radio. Maybe sometime in the near future.

I Got: Musical Background

I listen to, usually, a wide range of music, as do a lot of people. With the death of the local rock station, I have had to revert to my roots. That is, country music.

The first show that I ever saw, was Willie Nelson, when I was six or seven. Center stage, five rows back. Willie was and still is my mom's favorite artist. She acquired the tickets in a lottery (of locations). I remember my older cousin fighting another guest over Willie's headband, as it was thrown into the crowd.

Alternately, the second show I saw was KISS in 1978, for the Alive II concert. I stood directly under Ace Frehley, with my nose pressed to the metal barrier. KISS was the first record that I ever purchased with my own money. Over the years, I never attended another KISS show, until the reunion show, also in my home town, in the same venue as the first show. Though, that time, I watched from further back.

These days, I pretty much listen to whatever my mood demands. Pretty much every type of music is in my personal collection, except jazz and a few bands. I strongly dislike any jazz. There are also a few bands that, for various reasons, have been excluded from my collection. The most popular of those being Led Zeppelin and the Grateful Dead. Any song by those two will set me off. Followed closely by Phish.


So with that background in mind, I purchased two cds today. The first is Nine Inch Nails, "Things Falling Apart" and the second is Little Big Town "The Road To Here".

The country first. LBT has some amazing vocal performances on it. I reminds me of almost an ABBA with a country sound.

The Nine Inch Nails disc is a remix of several songs from "The Fragile". The remix of "Slipping Away" is fantastic. However, I only enjoyed one of the three remixes of "Starfuckers Inc."

Both are great discs. If you are interested in either genre, I would recommend these choices.

A New Product

This new product will soon be available for sale in Russia and Ukraine, for about $0.30 a roll. The "Political" brand toilet paper, features the likenesses of world leaders such as US President George W. Bush, Russian President Vladimir Putin, Belarusian leader Alexander Lukashenko, and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as well as US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and disgraced Russian oligarch Boris Berezovsky.

Russian and Ukrainian products will differ, showing more local political figures common to each area.

A Long Sleep

As I have said earlier, I have not been sleeping well for the past couple weeks. Last night, I crashed at 1900 and woke up this morning at 0300 feeling better than I have for a good long while. I actually had a good dream or at least not another nightmare. Not that I remember either, anyway.

On a lighter note, a lot of 'kittens' have died around here for the past several weeks. Damn, do I need a girlfriend!

For those out there that care, beware, for I will be out on the prowl again soon.

The Road Back

Slowly, I have been digging myself out of the pit of gloom that I have been living in for the past week plus. My hands are dirty and bleeding, but I can see the light above me for the first time in a long while. Yet, I know that I have a ways to go before I am clear and one little mis-step could spell disaster.

Judging this episode versus those that I have experienced in the past, I deem that the depression, while brutal at times, has been far less overwhelming this time around. Though, I couldn't say that, while deep in the pit. And I did have a bit of help, amazing what a Guinness can do to numb the senses just before bed. Sleep has been a constant fear throughout this experience. As there is no way, short of the heavy meds, to turn off my brain. So, I have been racked with ever increasing nightmares. I must say that it has been a struggle to not take "just one pill", as I my subconscious has told me on countless occasions. When consciously, I know that that "one" will lead me to a far worse place, eventually. (And Pop, the meds that work for you, don't effect me the same as they do for you.)

So, here I am posting about my struggle to the top, again. There have been a few bright spots on my way out, but the blackness eventually consumes them. I have heard from some people that don't really know me and some that do that have helped in some small way to you and some big way for me. So for that, I thank those of you that cared to say as such.

That is all I can really say for now.

Thanks to you!

Old Friend

Today, I went out and scouted a location for Water Rat and I to do some duck hunting. Just a little spot up north of here.

After I got through, I ran into an 'old' friend. It was good to talk to her and really picked me up a few notches from the funk that I found myself in. She is quite a bit younger than I, but that spirit that she has is fairly infectious.

It is probably going to turn out for naught, but it was good to see her again.

Black Fog

This mood that I find myself in is one of the few things that I wish that I could change about myself. The violent mood swings, so prevalent in my past, have over the years worked themselves into gradual mood swings. This oscillation has led me down this road before. Though this time, I am trying to work through it on my own. No meds. No alcohol.

Depression is a very bad thing. Especially, in my family.

Right now, it is all that I can do to write this post, without losing it (sanity). During this time, my posts have been...well, not the best. I have refrained from drawing others into this quagmire. Except for the immediate family and Kent, I have literally not talked to anyone, outside of work. Because in the job, talking is part of the requirements, as is putting on the phony smile and pretending to be happy. But here at home, I don't have to put up that facade.

So, for those of you that read this drivel, I beg that you let me work through this. I promise to be better soon. Really, how much further can I...wait, I know how much further and I want to avoid that like the plague.

Your emails and comments are still very much appreciated.

Just don't expect any hasty replies.

Cold

In the Russian capital the recent cold temperatures have claimed the first two fatalities. The temps in Moscow have dipped to a low of minus 36 Celsius, or a minus 32.8 F. Authorities are telling residents that power cuts are likely to offices across the city.

The impact on the rest of Europe could be catastrophic. Most natural gas for the European Union comes from Russia. Authorities believe that this cold snap could deplete natural gas reserves, Moscow will use more gas, and the European Union will have to suffer.

Still, But...

I am still in the same mood, but I heard this from a co-worker and had to share, anyway.

Sexual Harassment in the workplace, is a problem that needs to be stopped. I think that we can all agree to that. But in this case, I have issues.

This co-workers son is in the 7th grade. While at school, this kid was being harassed by some girls. The first day, after a set amount of time, the kid had it and told the girls to "Suck my balls!" This statement went un-told to the administration. The next day, the girls went after the kid again. Since the statement of the day before didn't work, he upped the ante and pushed the girls away. While pushing on girl, his hand glanced off of her shoulder and hit her breast. She reported this incident and the previous statement. The son was given a 3-day suspension for sexual harassment.

My co-worker and his wife are consulting an attorney to try to keep this incident off of their son's permanent school record.

My question is, "What the FUCK!?!?!?!?"

Does anyone else think that this is pushing the point a bit too far? I mean, I remember Jr. High School. Kids are mostly awkward in their dealings with the opposite sex. Come on, SH?, can you be serious?

Wrong

I do not know what is wrong. But something is really pissing me off.

I have not felt like writing on this or any other blog, that my name is attached to. Hell, I won't even use IM, right now. The mere thought of any type of comminucation is difficult. And the phone, I am so sick of talking to people on the phone.

I am more of a "hands on" talker. You know, person to person without technological interference. I want to see into someone's eyes, when I talk to them.

What else? Work? - fine. Same old shit you'd expect when you return from vacation. Social life? - fine. Personal life? - so-so. Some days better than others.

Perhaps there is another poem coming. An angry, pent up poem. Probably. Check ruminations, maybe something new will show up.

Pics From the Smowmobile Trip

Below are just some of the pics that I took while on vacation. Hope that you enjoy them.




The long road to the Mammoth Area.



Me, driving to vacation.



The Toys.



Just looking out at the scenery.



Also, looking out.



One of the many places that we played.



Mammoth Ski Area



A crater that we didn't play in.



One of the Mono Craters, that we did play in.


Friggy and I on top of one of the many lookouts.

Back & Fine

This is to dispell the nasty rumors that I was was injured while riding. I got back today from the snowmobiling trip and I am fine.

As soon as I get the pics off of the camera, I will be posting them.

I had a lot of fun. Drank a few beers, mostly Guinness and PCB's Barleywine. Never so much that I couldn't ride the next day, but at times too much. Rode all over the place around Mammoth and June Mountains. Played in some craters, rode trails, and played in the trees and meadows. I was forced to cook one night and volunteered to cook on another. Forced to cook Beerocks, a specialty of mine, and volunteered to cook Shrimp Basil Fettuccine.

Played Civ 4 via a direct IP link. We had up to five people playing at a time. A lot of beer was consumed during this time.

That is about it.

Pics to follow.

A Few Thoughts

Here are some favs from despair, inc. Hope that you enjoy them as much as I do.

"It is difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you are insane."







"It hurts to admit when you make mistakes - but when they are big enough, the pain only lasts a second."

Two Bits of News

I have two bits of news to report.

First, my vacation has officially started. I am currently procrastinating on getting all of my shit packed up for the trip. As I previously stated, this is a snowmobiling trip to the East side of the Sierra Nevadas, around Mammoth. But, it is also a trip to celebrate my birthday, which is on Tuesday the 10th. Normally, I try to get out of town and recreate on the birthday.

My second bit of info is that I am contributing on another blog, titled "Lace Them Up". It is a sports related blog that I am doing with some buddies. My contribution deals with hockey and non-mainstream sports. Kent and H will be doing football. Kent is also pulling double-duty by covering basketball (A sport I loath). Andy Rourke will be covering baseball. Sports fans, jump over there from my blog links and make some comments. Love to see you there.


While I am gone, I will be making brief pauses and maybe a few posts at this site. As well as checking in on some sites that I really enjoy, right now. I will also be checking emails.

Well, I am off to pack. Ya'll have a great week, if I don't hear from you.

I Was Wrong

I talked some smack to Sass, yesterday. I was wrong. Hope that you forgive me for doubting you.

Lay It On The Line

What the Fuck? Sometimes, you just have to say it and let things fall where they may.

The actual story is much more drawn out. But for the sake of this post, I will try to keep it short.

In high school, I was somewhat introverted. Popular, in the sense that everyone knew me. But really someone who was very unsure of how I fit into the world around me. I played water polo as the #2 goalie. Swam the 50 free, 100 free, and 100 breast. By far not the fastest, but certainly not the slowest in my disciplines. I had it rough, as many kids that age believe that they have it rough. I was suicidal as a junior and a zealot as a senior. Really, though, I was lonely. But I didn't date very often and didn't learn the etiquette of dating, that one learns at that age.

College was a different ballgame. I had thrown off the mantle of the church and went hog wild. I dated more. Learned more about me, but what I really learned was sex. I found something in which I was really good. However, the relationship angle, beyond the sex, I couldn't quite grasp.

Adult relationships continued this way for a long time. At least another five years after I graduated. Until finally, I made the decision that "Sex is an important thing, but I need the friendship in equal amounts."

Thus far, I have cultivated the relationship, but the sex sucked. Or the sex is great, but the relationship sucks. I still have a problem balancing the two. Or rather, finding both in one person.

Oh, I can go out and some action, if I really need it. But that game is old and boring. I can go out and date, but that always ends in "just a friendship".

In this, my off-season, I contemplate these things.

What if I had...Should I...

Morning of Jan 2

Hello all!

Yesterday I was in actual pain. I was SO hungover from the night before. I got home, ate, drank a 32oz Gatorade, IMed a friend and tried to feel better. But, my head still hurt. So, I went back to bed. I woke five hours later with a pounding headache. Got up, ate some more 'hungover' food, popped a vicodin, and drank two more 32oz bottles of Gatorade. Finally, around 2000, or so, my head began to feel better. Getting old sucks ass.

I woke this morning to find that the rain that has been drenching CA, has started again. We are expecting rain all day and into tomorrow. Flooding is likely in and around most of the area that I work in, should make for a crazy day. Luckily, this is a very slow week in terms of sales, so I shouldn't have too much trouble (although, I will have to do yesterday's calls + today's calls all through today). So don't expect to see me back online until late this afternoon or early evening.


The countdown has begun...Four days to vacation. Eight days until my birthday. Even though I don't expect anything, I am looking forward to the day.

Arggg

I am hungover, today.

I started partying at 1500 and I barely made 0000. I think that I crashed at 0015. Man, I am getting old.

We did the Cali hick thing. A BIG fire in the pit, lots of beer, BBQ, and guns.

I am not of the right mind to post a whole lot, please forgive me.

I think that I am going to go die now.